


Subtle as a Butt (and Other Stories)

by nathaylee



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Alcoholism Recovery, F/M, Humanstuck, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Swearing, and sburb didn't happen, but literally anything homestuck does, foul mouthedness, lots of dumb emotional bits whee, oh well, swears, there are swears in this, they're a lot older too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-28
Updated: 2014-05-02
Packaged: 2018-01-17 07:51:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1379746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nathaylee/pseuds/nathaylee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TG: you know how johnny boy is<br/>TG: cheesy wedding gags out the wazoo<br/>TG: next thing u no dirks right with him pretending to take him srsly and jade and dave have a bouncy castle rented for the ceremony<br/>CG: FUCK<br/>TG: what u know im right<br/>CG: I KNOW<br/>CG: THAT'S WHY WE NEED TO FORM AN ALLIANCE.<br/>TG: what<br/>TG: srsly<br/>CG: YEAH SERIOUSLY. YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE ROSE'S FLOWERY BULLSHIT TENDENCIES AND CROCKER'S POTENTIAL PRANKS ALONE?<br/>TG: ...<br/>TG: shit</p><p>Jade and Dave are getting married, and it's up to Roxy and Karkat to save them from their bridal party.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 16:21

TG: hey  
TG: hey  
TG: hey  
TG: rox  
TG: ...  
TG: . . .  
TG: the spaces make the waiting impatienter  
TG: more impatient  
TG: whatever the fuck is grammar-right  
TG: go talk to jane if you want actual words  
TG: yo daev  
TG: i told you not to call me that  
TG: hhaahahaha like im ever gonna stop  
TG: my soul shrivels every time I see that tacky inside joke  
TG: it memes its way under my skin  
TG: like a shitty typo parasite  
TG: le signnnn  
TG: see thats exactly what im talking about  
TG: tired shit like that  
TG: dave ur rambling  
TG: are you nervosu about somethin????  
TG: no fu  
TG: gotcha!! come on wgat is it  
TG: SPILL  
TG: u know u want my expret advisce  
TG: my guidences thru the mjnefeld of ROMANCER  
TG: drop ur pennys in my wishing fountain  
TG: *tents fingers* tell me ur problemns friend  
TG: ok whatever  
TG: na coem on davee  
TG: ugh  
TG: you got me  
TG: its jade  
TG: HA GOTCHA  
TG: im ean  
TG: hmmm interesink  
TG: *intersesting  
TG: *fuckit im a professionel  
TG: i cant even express how impressed i am with your legit psychotherapist persona  
TG: stfu strider wat is it  
TG: i  
TG: hmmmmm????  
TG: shut up lalonde jesus dick  
TG: hows a cool dude gonna get a word in edgewise  
TG: ^+++++++^  
TG: im gonna propose to her tonight  
TG: !!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!  
TG: OMFG RLLLLLLLY?????  
TG: no  
TG: ffffffff u LIE  
TG: fuck  
TG: that is so effing adorable  
TG: i s2g i just peed mself a lil bit  
TG: ew  
TG: ahhhhh this is so goddan cute im tellin jane  
TG: NO  
TG: i mean  
TG: fuck  
TG: ok please dont its a secret  
TG: no probs davey  
TG: do you think shell say yes  
TG: youve ben datign for SIX YEARS bro  
TG: what do u think daev  
TG: i think  
TG: that  
TG: shit i only have an hour til im meeting her  
TG: GIT A MOEV ON BOY  
TG: good luck ;)  
TG: thanks rox  
TG: <3  
TG: ...  
TG: <3

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 17:06

Roxy tossed back the rest of her martini with barely a wince, and started googling baby names. _Can't be too prepared!_ Adrian, Andrew, Anastasia, Appaloosa, Aslan...

Something was pinging. Loudly. Roxy's head slipped off her arm and her neck didn't catch it before it hit the desk. 

"Fuck!" She gingerly fingered around the impact spot and reached for her phone. "Fucking early birds..."

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 09:43

GG: roxy!!!!!!!  
TG: harleybert!!!!  
TG: sup girl  
GG: um pretty much everything???  
TG: U TOTES SAID YES HI FIVE  
GG: hehe i knew dave told you!!  
TG: i have posolutely nooooo idea wut ur talking about :3  
GG: sigh i think literally everyone other than me knew it was happening actually :p  
TG: rlly? like who  
GG: john, rose, karkat, dirk, you  
GG: i told john and his response was to pull out a montage he ALREADY MADE of embarrassing family photos to show everyone  
TG: omg johnny  
GG: i knoooooow  
GG: brothers are so ridiculous  
GG: rose was about as subtle as john but with 10x the sarcasm  
TG: 2 b expected lalonde REPRESENT  
GG: lol  
TG: what did vantas say  
GG: he handed me a folder full of florist brochures and volunteered to force dave into a tuxedo  
TG: omg  
TG: ill help we can totes tagteam the striders  
GG: ahaha im sure that would be helpful :p  
TG: did dirkadork do anythin weird and stridery  
GG: no  
GG: thats how I know he knew  
TG: hhahaheahahah omg its truuuuuue  
TG: he is subtle as a butt  
GG: exactly!! :p  
TG: R U EXCITTED  
GG: yes!!!!!!!!!!  
GG: but very nervous now  
GG: i know weve been together for ages i mean we LIVE together but  
GG: its still scary??  
TG: i feel u  
TG: youll be leglly tied together 5ever  
TG: to a man who hates barney  
GG: to be fair barney is kinda creepy  
TG: jade  
TG: he punched a teenager in costume hugging toddlers in the face  
GG: the felt cushioned her head!! there wasnt a concussion!!!!!  
TG: in the face  
GG: she didnt press charges!!!  
TG: 4 minimum wage thast like 2 cents/hr  
GG: she asked for his autograph and almost cried when he hugged her!!!!!!!  
TG: ...  
GG: !!!!!!!!  
TG: . . .  
TG: (th spaced make it srs)  
GG: roxy  
TG: yeeeeees  
GG: will you be a bridesmaid!!!!  
TG: omg rlly  
TG: that was quick as a fox  
TG: YES OF COURSE  
GG: oh good!!!!!  
TG: the re was literally nooo eay id sayno  
GG: awwwww!!  
TG: whos ur honormaid  
TG: thats a thign rite  
GG: rose!!!  
GG: and jane is a bridesmaid too!!!  
TG: ofmg  
TG: gotts get janey all doplled up!!! 1!  
GG: rox  
GG: are you drinking  
TG: . . .  
TG: yeha  
TG: *yeehaw  
GG: roxy :c  
TG: yeeeeas  
GG: can you please not drink at my wedding?  
GG: i want you to be there and remember how happy we all are  
GG: i care about you  
GG: and i know dave does too  
GG: and we would both really appreciate it  
TG: le signnnnnnn  
GG: is that a yes?  
TG: yeh sure  
GG: thank you <333  
GG: this is going to be great!!!  
TG: totes mcgoats  
GG: oh daves out of the shower  
GG: gotta go get breakfast!! bye roxy!!  
TG: bye jaed <3  
GG: <3

gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 10:27

Roxy regarded her drink in hand for a moment, then downed the last of it. _To sobriety._

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:49

TG: vantas  
TG: vantas  
TG: vaaaaantaaaaaaaaassssssss  
TG: sssssssssss  
TG: ssssssnake  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT.  
CG: LALONDE.  
TG: sup  
CG: OH MY GOD JUST OUT WITH IT  
CG: I'M A LITTLE BUSY BEING A SUCCESSFUL MEDICAL STUDENT RIGHT NOW.  
TG: dude just calm down  
TG: i even drank coffee before i talked to u im barelt even buzzed rn  
TG: *barely  
CG: MOTHER OF FUCK IT'S A FUCKING MIRACLE.  
CG: LALONDE CAN ALMOST TALK STRAIGHT.  
TG: stfu karkat  
CG: NO, SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY HAVE FAILED YOU, SO THAT LEAVES ME. UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU.  
TG: fuck you vantas  
TG: if u MUST know i was gonna talk to u about helping with the wedding  
CG: OH. WITH WHAT.  
TG: stridersitting  
TG: whatever else people do 4 weddinsg  
CG: OH.  
CG: WELL OK THANKS.  
TG: whatever  
CG: DID JADE ASK YOU TO BE A BRIDESMAID.  
TG: yea  
CG: I'M A GROOMSMAN.  
TG: ok  
TG: what does that mea  
TG: n  
CG: I'M BASICALLY DAVE'S BRIDESMAID. ONE OF THEM.  
TG: isnt a best man a thing  
CG: YEAH  
TG: whos daves best brodude  
CG: JOHN.  
TG: ahaha not even surprised  
CG: YEAH, THAT WASN'T EXACTLY A POINT OF SUSPENSE.  
TG: no kidding  
CG: DIRK IS THE OTHER GROOMSMAN I BELIEVE  
TG: good u 2 can keep egbert from doing stupid shit  
TG: probably  
CG: PROBABLY WHY PROBABLY.  
TG: you know how johnny boy is  
TG: cheesy wedding gags out the wazoo  
TG: next thing u no dirks right with him pretending to take him srsly and jade and dave have a bouncy castle rented for the ceremony  
CG: FUCK  
TG: what u know im right  
CG: I KNOW  
CG: THAT'S WHY WE NEED TO FORM AN ALLIANCE.  
TG: what  
TG: srsly  
CG: YEAH SERIOUSLY. YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE ROSE'S FLOWERY BULLSHIT TENDENCIES AND CROCKER'S POTENTIAL PRANKS ALONE?  
TG: ...  
TG: shit  
CG: EXACTLY.  
CG: WE NEED TO SAVE THE WEDDING.  
TG: ok  
CG: LET'S SHAKE ON IT.  
TG: this isnt irl dude  
CG: I KNOW. STARBUCKS AT NOON?  
TG: ok  
TG: go back to your medical bs and ill see u later

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:24

CG: IT'S NOT BULLSHIT.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:24

TG: why is vantas such an asshole  
GG: Why hello there!  
TG: hi janey  
TG: but srsly  
TG: what the heckie  
GG: Yeah, I know what you mean.  
TG: how did dave even become friends with him  
GG: John and Dave met him at college, I believe.  
GG: I don't know any of the details, but they were pretty close friends by second year!  
TG: blurrrrgh  
GG: What's wrong?  
TG: ugrhrh  
GG: What did Karkat do?  
TG: be an ahole  
GG: Hmm.  
TG: oh god what are you hmming  
GG: Can't I just hmm sometimes? :B  
TG: noooo but its never just a hmm w u  
GG: Hmm.  
GG: Well, I just talked to Jade! And she says that he's not actually that bad, once you get past the bark.  
GG: I mean, I can't vouch for this myself, but I do trust Jade's judgement.  
GG: Roxy?  
GG: Please tell me you didn't fall asleep at the keyboard again.  
TG: jeez j clam down i was putting on undies  
GG: ????  
TG: shit im gonna b late  
TG: ok bye gotta run

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:53

GG: Late for what?  
GG: Bye?

She tossed her wallet into her bag and rushed to the door. Jaspers meowed, but she nudged him out of the doorway so she could sidle out without letting him escape. "I'll be back pretty soon!" Roxy called, clicking the remote unlocky thing for her car as she ran. 

Her phone started playing the Ghostbusters theme on the passenger's seat beside her, but Roxy kept her eyes on the road. Both hands gripped the steering wheel higher than they were supposed to, but all her concentration was on the road before her. The phone stopped ringing and started vibrating furiously instead. She rolled her eyes and stepped on it.

The radio was turned up too loud and Roxy could feel the vibrations through the seat and her ass and up her spine, but it helped her focus on driving straight. Ah--red light. She stopped smartly and checked her phone while she waited.

4 missed calls from Jane Crackalackin.  
Jane: Roxy, are you driving somewhere?  
Jane: Jade said you were drinking earlier. Please tell me you're not driving.  
Jane: We talked about this, RoLal.  
Jane: It isn't safe! You know that!  
Jane: Criminy!  
Jane: Just answer me!  
Roxy: dude its ok  
Jane: Are you in a car?

The light turned green. Roxy shrugged, tossed the phone back on the seat, and hit the gas. She ignored the buzzing of the phone and sipped the china mug of lukewarm coffee, putting it back in the cupholder. It didn't quite fit, letting the liquid nirvana inside slop over the lower edge.

The Ghostbusters theme played one more time, then the phone was ominously silent. The Starbucks sign arose in the near distance and Roxy switched lanes automatically. She stopped at the stop sign, mentally patted herself on the back as she let the other guy turn before her, and followed the grey SUV into the Starbucks parking lot. Roxy pulled into a parking space, hit the brake, and reached for the buzzing box again.

Jane: You are, aren't you?!  
Jane: This is SERIOUS! You could get hurt!!  
Jane: You have one minute before I call Dirk.

Roxy flinched, even though that was six minutes ago.

Jane: I swear, I'll do it!!  
1 missed call from Jane Crackalackin.  
Jane: I called him. He'll find you, you know he will. We need to talk about this.

Fuck. He could hack into her phone's GPS in less than fifteen minutes, easy. She checked the time stamp of Jane's last text: two minutes ago. He'd have pulled up his back door into her phone and tried a simple way in...Roxy slid her finger across the screen rapidly, turning page after page of apps, until she found what she was looking for. Jackpot! She tapped the cartoon butt icon. The letters underneath it read 'Scramble'. 

Roxy tucked the phone into her tiny purse and opened the car door. The sun bit into her eyes and she hurriedly ducked back into the car for her sunglasses. Thusly armed, she strode into the coffee shop, head high.

"I would like a large cinnamon--yeah, venti, sure--dolce latte. No whip," her hand and voice forestalled the barista's question automatically. She handed over a folded bill and tossed the change returned into a paper cup marked 'tips'. She stood by the drink collection counter, keeping the shades on indoors.

The tap on her shoulder surprised her and Roxy spun around, almost losing her shades.

"You're la--you have heart shaped sunglasses?" Vantas' eyebrows were raised to illegal levels. _Someone should call the city about this zoning violation._

"Why _wouldn't_ I have heart-shaped shades? They're the bomb diggity." She could see him wince internally. Also externally. _Good_.

"Cinnamon dolce?" A steaming paper cup slid toward her and she turned to grab it instinctively.

"You actually bought shit here?"

"Yeah? It's delicious brown liquid...plus we're not allowed to, like, sit here without buying _something_." _Noob_.

"...Whatever." Karkat subsided into silence and led the way to a corner table. Roxy grabbed the seat facing away from the window, and he took the other. 

They sat in silence.

Roxy broke it. "So...what's your game plan?" She sipped cautiously, but burned her tongue anyway.

He didn't answer, coughing and fiddling with his sweater instead.

"You seriously called a team meeting without any idea what you wanted? I can't tell if that's really shitty planning or totally adorable," she mused, watching him pinken around the cheeks.

"Fuck off, Lalonde, I just--" An elderly man coughed loudly, glaring. Karkat lowered his voice. "I just wanted to get your scoop on the situation!"

"Yeah, okay." Roxy rolled her eyes. "Well, they just got engaged. Now the wedding planning starts. That's basically all I got." She sipped her drink casually. He stayed quiet for a beat, staring incredulously.

"Are you serious?!" Roxy nodded. Her eyebrows tugged irresistably upward as he continued. "I figured you'd be all over this shit! I mean, come on, you and Jade, you're good friends! Plus, you're--"

"A woman?"

"No! You're the feelings-y, talkative type!"

"Ooookay, so you're assuming that I know shit about weddings?" He nodded. "Yeah, well, you're much better off than me there, dude. I know basically nothing. Except ladies wear white, dudes wear suits, and there are flowers everywhere. Bouquets, buttonholes, vases, everything has a flower crown."

Karkat threw his hands in the air. "Lalonde, you are a disgrace to wedding saving. And that is not something I say to people a lot."

"There are pretty specific circumstances."

"No shit!" The elderly guy glared and Karkat rolled his eyes. "This _specific_ situation with these _specific_ people getting married with these _specific_ people liable to fuck this up is a recipe for disaster! This _specific_ guy is asking this _specific_ hungover woman to help him prevent the _specific_ disaster that everyone else will--your phone is having a fucking heart attack, Lalonde." 

Roxy grabbed her phone and paled. " _Shit_. Okay, Vantas? We need to go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> blaaaargh I have a new ship and THERE'S NOT ENOUGH ROXKAR
> 
> please tell me if I'm pooping this up hardcore k thanks <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk is coming. Roxy runs. Shenanigans ensue. ?!

Karkat rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. What's going on?"

Roxy stood and grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him to his feet. "We need to leave now."

"What the fu--unk, let go of me!" She released him and he wrenched his collared shit back down. "What are you doing?" _Fuck. Forgot about the car--_

"Leaving. Now. Did you drive?" _The car, the GPS, that sly bastard--_

"Yeah, but--"

"Did you park on that side of the building?" She gestured vaguely toward her car.

"Lalonde--"

"Did you?!"

"No, but--"

"Thank god. We're leaving. You're driving. Now!" Roxy and her purse swirled around and stalked toward the door, Karkat in tow. She pulled at the door. It didn't open. _Oh my god no oh my god how could he oh._ Roxy mentally slapped herself and pushed. Karkat snorted.

"Shut up, Vantas."

"No. What the _fuck_ is going on here?" he hissed. He started to walk to his car under his own steam, so Roxy let go of him.

"Dirk may or may not be coming after me?"

"What? Why?" Karkat unlocked his door and slid into the driver's seat. Roxy fiddled with the passenger door handle loudly until he reached over and unlocked it.

"I may have dri--look, let's just go? I swear to god I'll explain later, just _drive_!" He shook his head, but he also turned the key in the ignition, so Roxy let it go. This time.

The maroon car circled around to the other side of the Starbucks and stopped at the exit to let some cars pass. Roxy drummed her fingers on the dash haphazardly until--

A bright orange sports car turned the corner. She ducked down in the front seat. "Shit! I'm not here, I'm not here, just act normal!"

Karkat looked down on her, literally this time. "You are a strange, silly person."

"Just go somewhere!" He turned right.

"Where?"

"Somewhere he wouldn't expect me to be!"

"Oookay." Karkat glided to a stop at the intersection and Roxy's phone vibrated. "Better check that, Lalonde."

Dork: Roxy, I know you're not here.  
Roxy: im not where?  
Dork: Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.  
Dork: Who were you meeting?  
Roxy: a sexy hot millionaire who wants me 2 b his trophy wifey  
Dork: Eye roll.  
Dork: I will find you.  
Dork: No matter what it takes. It's for your own good.  
Roxy: tht would b crazy sweet + romantic if not 4 ur gay squeamishness about smooches btween distant cousins  
Dork: Le sigh.

"Are we there yet?"

"You don't even know where there is!"

"Shut up, Vantas." Roxy resumed her texting.

Roxy: *le signn  
Dork: That's what the refrance.  
Roxy: LE SIGN

Karkat put the car in park. "We're here. Get out."

Roxy rolled her eyes and pulled herself up onto the actual seat before opening the door. She swung her legs out and straight. "Fuck, I think my foot's asleep..."

Karkat was already striding across the parking lot toward a large apartment building. "Not my problem."

Grumbling to herself, Roxy stood up, tingles notwithstanding, and hobbled after him.

The elevator was taking forever.

They both leaned against the wall on opposite sides of the closed doors. A staring contest began. Roxy stared. Karkat glared.

"So...what's up, KK?" A pasty blond beanpole looked at Karkat quizzically.

"Oh, hey Sollux." Karkat stood up straight and waved. Awkwardly. _Oh my god._

"Hey boys!" Roxy fluttered her eyelashes. Sollux raised a judgemental eyebrow behind his wire rimmed glasses.

"Roxy. Didn't expect to see you with Cranky here."

"I know, right?" Her voice got breathier. "But life is full of...surprises." She stepped closer to Karkat and snaked a hand into his back pocket. _Cop._

"I thought--"

"We were gonna keep this a secret? Nah, not my style." Roxy stood on tip toes to press a smacking kiss to his cheek. _Hopefully his heart attack face is convincing._

"Congratulations?" Sollux's face was priceless. "I think that's what people say when their friends act like a couple and hint super obviously?"

The elevator dinged and opened. A plaid-clad Eridan walked out, giant retro headphones bisecting his head. He flipped a thumbs up at Karkat, flipped the bird at Sollux, and threw Roxy a wink which she heartily returned.

"Joining us, Sollux?" She pulled Karkat backward into the elevator.

"Nah man, I think I'll let you be. Laters K."

Karkat managed an almost grin before the doors shut. "What the fucking fuck was that?!" He stabbed at the button for the tenth floor.

Roxy let go of him and slouched against the opposite wall. "Basic alibi, dude. He'll assume we're groping each other in your apartment and cover for you if anyone asks because that's what bros do. Also, it's a convenient excuse to get extra planning done."

He stared. "And what if I have a potential girlfriend lined up?!"

 _Oh._ "Oh." _Shit._ "Shit."

"Fucking hell." Karkat slumped back into the wall.

"I'm sorry, dude. I didn't..."

The elevator door opened. "Just..." He left the sentence unfinished and headed out. Roxy followed and the doors shut behind them.

Karkat unlocked his door and left it open for her. She turned and closed it gently before taking off her shoes. Her hot pink converse looked tiny next to his docs.

Karkat had disappeared somewhere when she looked up. "Karkat? Where'd you go?" No answer. Roxy ventured further into the apartment. The walls were all white and empty. She prodded the fraying green couch doubtfully. "I am sorry, man, sometimes I just do shit and don't even realize how bad it can be..."

The place was quiet and cool, but the hum of life surrounding it in the apartments above, below, and on either side permeated it with a snug feeling. _Weird._ Roxy flopped onto one of a pair of surprisingly nice dove grey armchairs. "Really digging these chairs, dude." Karkat walked out of a mystery door and shut it behind him.

"I found them in a flea market last year. Sorry, I was just changing." The dark grey sweater he was wearing was a little too big, but it appeared he had ceased to care.

"Nah, it's cool. You okay?"

Karkat made a sound that could be affirmative or negative as he padded into the tiny kitchen. His head nearly brushed the low-hanging light fixture. "I'm making some real coffee. Want some? Or did your shitwater work for you?"

Roxy bristled. "Bet you it tastes exactly the same."

"You're on." He reached into a cupboard and hauled out the biggest coffee grinder she'd ever seen. _Compensating for something?_ She got up and followed him in, when her phone went off. Again. _Will he never give up_?

Dork: So I hear you're feeling up Vantas.

_Fucking hell. Can no one just sit on choice gossip?!_

Dork: The younger one, I mean. Not the pretentious fuckwad.  
Roxy: jfc literally no1 can stfu about shit that aint there buzness  
Dork: Apparently so.  
Roxy: who told u  
Dork: Rose.  
Roxy: ?????  
Dork: Her friend Sollux pestered her wondering if she knew her beloved elder sister was 'climbing KK like a tree'.  
Dork: To directly quote the source.  
Roxy: fuck  
Dork: You are going to have the most emotional intervention ever.  
Roxy: jjdhskqoecoc  
Dork: I'm on my way.

"Godammit."

"What's wrong." He stated it rather than asked.

"Dirk's on his way. We need to make out."

Karkat's eyes widened and he backed away. "What the fuck?!"

"No, listen, he'll get suspicious and you know Dirk. He'll unravel this shit in no time."

He braced himself on the counter. "Fuck." Her phone dinged again.

Dork: ETA five minutes. Enjoy while you can.

"Jumping jacks!"

"What?"

"Jump around! Get sweaty!" She started as she spoke and he joined in reluctantly.

"How...long?"

"Until you feel warm!"

"Mission accomplished!"

"Okay, now stop." They stood there, breathing hard. "Mess up your hair! And take off that sweater." Roxy mussed her hair too and rumpled her shirt, feeling her cheeks start to glow a little.

Karkat pulled the sweater over his head and tossed it on the counter, leaving his torso bare. He blushed. It promptly slid off the stainless steel surface and onto the floor, but he didn't pick it up because Roxy was beckoning him couchward.

"Have a seat!"

"O...kay." He sat. She sat on top of him. "Is this really nece--" She kissed him. He struggled under her for a moment before she let go.

"Sorry, needed to get my lipstick on you. Also, if you could get a boner, that would be rad." She pressed her lips to his neck a few times and Karkat flinched.

"Wh--okay, really seeing how you're related to Dirk now." Roxy smudged a bit of dark lipstick over his upper lip.

"What, this spur of the moment shit?" She leaned closer to whisper in his ear. "You should see what we all go through for mini eggs at easter. Shit's wicked bananas yo."

"You two look comfortable." Roxy whirled around and slid sideways off his lap. Dirk was standing by the open door.

"H-how long were you standing there?" stammered Karkat. "Did--did you just break in here?!"

"Long enough to notice the lipstick on your face, and yeah, pretty much. You should really bolt it, the lock is crap." Karkat scrubbed furiously at his lips and Dirk smirked. "When did shouty and embarrassed become your type, Rox?"

"Are you kidding me? Look at him!" She pinched Karkat's cheek and it pinked up under her touch. "I could eat him up..."

"Maybe next time. Come on, Rox," he hauled her to her feet, "Let's get you home." Both blondes darted meaningful looks at Karkat. One winked, the other stared over his shades, but both said _til next time._

"Uh. Bye, then?"

"Bye!" Roxy called back. Dirk grabbed her shoes and just picked her up with them, princess style. "Oof--we'll finish what we started later, okay?"

Karkat facepalmed. _What the hell_? The door slammed shut. He shivered and remembered his sweater, crumpled on the floor.

The elevator was still slow. Dirk cradled Roxy in his arms as they waited. His face was impassive, and impressively so, but from her vantage point Roxy could peek under his shades and see the lines around his eyes.

"Will we pick up my car?" She sounded smaller than she wanted, and Dirk suddenly remembered the time she broke her wrist, and she'd only let _him_ touch her twiggy seven year old arm and hold it still while Dave ran shrieking through the jasmine-scented garden for Nana.

"Yeah." His voice was deeper and huskier than he wanted, and Roxy suddenly remembered that night of the big breakup in high school when he phoned and his voice was so broken and she tried and tried but couldn't say a thing to fix it.

"Dirk?"

"Yeah, Rox?"

"Will you always do this?"

She could feel his confusion through his chest. "What?"

"Hack into my stuff and follow me around on dates."

His breathing hitched as he tried not to laugh. "Would you call this a date?"

"Shut up, Strider," she mumbled into his shirt.

"Nah." The doors slide open and Dirk carried her into the elevator. The tiny elderly lady had already pushed the lobby button.

"Are you alright?" the lady asked. Her white hair brushed her shoulders, held back by a tweed headband.

"Yeah," Dirk answered, "Fine." He smiled at the old lady, who to her credit did not seem at all fazed by his unconventional eyewear.

"Yeah, I'm okay too," Roxy added. Her arms snaked around his neck.

"Oh, good!" The lady beamed. "I was so afraid you might have twisted your ankle or something. The carpeting in the hallways has gotten loose in a few places..."

Roxy laughed. "No, I just didn't feel like walking. I might never walk again."

The lady's dimples peeked out as she laughed. "I wish I had a handsome young man to carry me everywhere!" They all snickered at that, and the doors slid open. "Have a good afternoon!"

"Your car smells funny."

"Tell Dave. He brought a large lizard in here after I specifically told him not to."

Roxy snorted. "I can't believe that kid. That legal adult. Oh my god, he's getting _married_!"

"I _know_!" Dirk mimed bashing his head off the steering wheel before turning the key in the ignition. The music turned on loud, low, and slow. 

"Trance?"

"Experimental hypno-trance with double bass. Trust me, it's fantastic."

They drove in silence with the pulsing music between them. It felt later than it was, sunlight lancing through a lattice of clouds, dimming the afternoon. Roxy pulled out her phone.

Roxy: im sorry j  
Roxy: i just  
Roxy: blurghhh i just hate it when you dont treat me like an adult  
Roxy: like i totally get that i dont act like an adult and u feel like you need to look after me sometimes  
Jane: I'm sorry too, Roxy.  
Roxy: and then i start doing the rebellious sneaky teenager thing and next thing u no im dancing on a parade float like ferris buller  
Roxy: *bueller  
Roxy: wait what  
Jane: I'm sorry.  
Jane: I know calling Dirk in was way out of line.  
Jane: And I guess I do treat you like a kid. I know you're a grown up, really...well, mostly. :B  
Roxy: hhahahaha omg ya ik im not always responsible and i feel u  
Roxy: oh almost home gtg pretend to sleep  
Jane: What?

Roxy put down her phone quietly and laid back in the seat. Her eyes drifted shut...

She could feel the car moving from tarmac to the gravel driveway. Dirk pulled up halfway to the steps, she estimated, but didn't pull the keys from the ignition. The music pushed at her ears.

"Rox?" _Being awake is overrated._ She kept her eyes shut. "I called John before I went up to Vantas' place. He's picking up your car with my spare key and bringing it here." She let her head slump to the side. Roxy could feel his sigh on her face.

The sound of the car door opening almost roused her, then his footsteps in the gravel, and her door opening, and he pulled her up into his arms again.

"You know, you've never been a very good fake sleeper," Dirk said conversationally. Roxy froze against his chest. Her breath knotted in her chest. "Even when you were a kid. You always breathe really...really...really...really...really slowly. Like, slower than frozen maple syrup flows. It's not exactly subtle." He shifted her weight around to get his keys out of his pocket.

Roxy made a noise. 

"Are you a dying armadillo now? You should get that checked out. Your doctor could win a Nobel if he chronicles a new humanoid species." Dirk turned the key in the lock somehow and kicked the door open.

"Shut up, Dork," she groaned.

"Can do. But it's a lot less interesting."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People talk. This chapter is aaaall pesterlogs. Enjoy.

carcinoGeneticist began pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 13:02

CG: LALONDE. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU.  
CG: YOUR COUSIN LITERALLY BROKE INTO MY HOUSE PICKED YOU UP AND LEFT LIKE A MYSTERIOUS MOTHERFUCKER. FOR ALL I KNOW HE HAS YOU LOCKED IN HIS TRUNK.  
CG: JESUS, ROXY, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING.  
CG: WHATEVER. NOT LIKE I'M WORRIED OR ANYTHING.

carcinoGeneticist ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 17:34 

tipsyGnostalgic began pestering carcinoGeneticist at 18:24 

TG: yo kk  
CG: OH, SHE FINALLY ANSWERS.  
TG: dude srry dirk was here until literally 2 minutes ago  
TG: man i have a killer headache wow  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?  
TG: he carried me to his car  
TG: we talked 2 a super nice lady in the elevator btw  
CG: PROBABLY MRS HENDERSON. I CARRIED HER GROCERIES FOR HER ONCE.  
TG: that is so fuckin cute i s2g  
CG: SHUT UP.  
TG: anyway he drove me home  
TG: we had a wild n crazy feelings jam on my couch  
TG: feelings jelly  
TG: feelings marmelade  
TG: anyway  
TG: then he left  
TG: plus he stole all my booze  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: w my permission but it still sux u know?  
CG: UH, NO. NO I DON'T.  
TG: yeh thats probably good keep up the good work sport  
CG: SO YOU'RE QUITTING DRINKING?  
TG: yeah basically  
TG: my friends n famjam think i have a problem  
TG: so do i but it kinda sux that other ppl think so too  
CG: OKAY?  
TG: ok  
CG: SO. PLANS AND SUCH.  
TG: yeh  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TODAY?  
TG: uh well  
TG: i guess were fakedating now  
TG: and we need to come up w actual plans  
CG: WHAT EXACTLY DOES FAKEDATING ENTAIL.  
TG: pda i guess  
TG: occasional cuddling  
TG: + maniacal plans behind closed doors  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL TEREZI  
CG: WE WERE KIND OF HANGING OUT.  
TG: man im sorry about that  
TG: i dont know what to say tho dude  
TG: tell her its complicated??? :/  
CG: LIKE FUCK THAT'S GONNA WORK. SHE'LL SNIFF OUT OUT PLANS BEFORE WE FINISH THE CONVERSATION WITH FLIMSY SHITSHIELDS LIKE THAT.  
TG: well how am i supposed to know what will work?? i barely know the chick  
CG: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.  
TG: i rlly am sorry about this  
TG: like for real  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: I KNOW.  
CG: THAT DOESN'T MAKE THIS ANY EASIER TO DEAL WITH.  
TG: :c  
CG: :(  
TG: omg u emoted  
TG: thats BOOTIFUL  
CG: SHUT UP.  
TG: no :3  
CG: UGH.  
TG: bluh hold on thats rose  
CG: SHIT.  
TG: brb

tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist at 18:57

tentacleTherapist began pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 18:57 

TT: Hello.  
TG: sup grrrl  
TT: Not too much. Just conducting a conversation with my cherished sibling about the Vantas she appears to be doing the makeouts with.  
TG: right 2 the point  
TG: always admired that about u  
TT: But of course.  
TT: May I inquire as to the nature of your relationship?  
TG: eye rollllllllllll  
TG: this is hecka weird yo  
TG: im literally older than u  
TG: AND a legal grown up  
TG: i can fuckin VOTE  
TG: and im closer to 30 than u  
TT: Classic avoidance.  
TG: bleeeaghrgh  
TG: we kinda made out  
TT: Did you now.  
TG: idk man hes a qt  
TT: I see.  
TG: i hope not that was some hot shit that went down  
TT: I'm sure.  
TG: sooooo  
TG: wuts with the lecture mode ur starting there  
TT: You're lucky it's me you're having this conversation with rather than Dave or John.  
TG: wtfs going on  
TG: head hurts 2 much 2 deal w this vague shit  
TT: They want to warn you off of him.  
TG: ...  
TG: r u srs  
TT: Sadly yes.  
TT: Dave used the words "dire" and "circumstance" in the same sentence.  
TG: dear lord  
TG: havent heard THAT since 2003  
TT: I know.  
TG: so they dont want me feelin up their brofriend  
TT: Well,  
TT: Yes.  
TT: If you're going to be succinct and totally non-nuanced about it.  
TG: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuggg  
TG: they have 0 right to tell me not 2 date him  
TG: frickers cant even talk to me themselves  
TT: I will admit that their election of me as a mouthpiece was rather...vigorous.  
TG: omg i cant even deal w this  
TG: i will make out w any loudmouth cutie i wanna  
TT: I told them you would say that.  
TG: YA  
TG: wait  
TG: am i that predictable  
TT: On occasion.  
TG: ...  
TG: i can live w that  
TT: So can I.  
TG: im gonna go talk to kk again ok?  
TT: Yeah, that's cool.  
TT: I'll let Dave and John know that you are disinclined to acquiesce to their request.  
TG: nice ref  
TT: You betcha.

tentacleTherapist ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 19:41 

tipsyGnostalgic began pestering carcinoGeneticist at 19:47 

TG: salutations  
CG: OH GOD. HER PRETENSIONS ARE CONTAGIOUS.  
TG: pfft whatevs  
TG: she said dave and john were warning me off u  
CG: ...  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: ikr  
TG: what is their DEAL  
TG: gtfo my business amirite???  
CG: NO  
CG: WHY ARE THEY WARNING YOU OFF ME??  
TG: what ur a fan of gender roles now  
CG: WELL NO BUT. FUCK.  
CG: YOU'D THINK THEY'D TALK TO THEIR FRIEND DIRECTLY ABOUT IT. INSTEAD OF PASSING A MESSAGE THROUGH A THIRD PARTY.  
TG: hmmm yeah  
TG: hecka lame  
CG: YOU DON'T SAY.  
TG: f minus on friendship  
TG: failin grade  
CG: YEAH. MAN. I WISH THEY'D JUST TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT  
CG: LIKE I THOUGHT THEY RESPECTED ME? MOTHERFUCK  
TG: yea  
CG: JESUS SHIT. WELL THERE GOES THAT  
TG: man this sucks  
TG: but i dont wanna badmouth dave n john yo  
TG: theyre your bros even if theyre buttmunches  
TG: also literally my cousin and cousin's brother in law  
TG: this is heavy famjam shit  
CG: YEAH I BET.  
TG: look it probs doesnt mean anything  
TG: they just know what a stone cold fox i am  
CG: HUH.  
TG: predator stalking thru the jungle searching for prime juicy meat  
CG: WHAT  
TG: mmm mmmmm good ;D  
CG: NOW I JUST FEEL OBJECTIFIED.  
TG: smelt it u dealt it  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?  
TG: gotcha  
CG: UH OKAY.  
TG: op brb

tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist at 20:14 

CG: WHAT IS IT NOW  
CG: NOT ANOTHER LALONDE LECTURE.

tipsyGnostalgic began pestering carcinoGeneticist at 20:30 

TG: sup  
CG: WHAT WAS IT NOW.  
TG: pizza man  
CG: YOU HAVE THE HEALTHIEST DIET I'VE EVER HEARD OF.  
TG: ya thanx  
TG: i dont even feel hungry rn but drk was lecturing via text and blrgh  
CG: YOU WILL BE GOING INTO WITHDRAWAL SOON. IT WON'T BE PRETTY.  
TG: scuse me i will be sexy hot and  
TG: ha who m i kidding this is gonna be a shitfuck  
CG: HOW ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT NOW?  
TG: well headach i mentioned  
TG: bit nauseouus now i thiink of t  
TG: holy fuck my hjandsa are shakling  
CG: SHIT. I'LL BE RIGHT OVER.

carcinoGeneticist ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 20:42 

TG: do u even klnow wwhere i liove


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff happens! Such medical. Very fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably not being very accurate in my depiction of withdrawal, but I *did* read the WebMD page. I sort of tried?
> 
> Fluff warning! Also giant exposition dump, ahahaha, sorry man, I love me some backstory.

Roxy felt like her whole body was quivering. Her throat was sour and full of bile that she swallowed back repeatedly. Her entire self was screaming for its crutch, pounding head and all. Roxy grabbed her phone and let herself slide, shaking, out of her chair and onto the floor under her desk.

Calling Loud Vantas

There was a crackling, fumbling sound, then:

"Hello?" She hit speakerphone and dropped it on the carpet by her head.

"Vantas. Hi. I'm...ugh, just calling to give you directions." Roxy tried to keep her voice level. She failed spectacularly.

"Fuck that, I asked Sollux before I left. Are you okay?" His voice was strained, higher than usual. "I said, are you okay?"

"No? But when am I ever okay?" A giggle escaped her lips.

"Don't be an idiot. Can you breathe alright?"

"Yeah. Just...dizzy." Very dizzy. "I'm lying on the floor now..."

"That's good. Roll on to your side now, it's safer." _In case I choke on my own vomit_. Her breaths grew shorter. "Are you doing it?" _Jesus, he sounds nervous_.

"Yeah, hold on. Careful, it sounds like you give a shit." Roxy concentrated on anything but the taste of her mouth and turned slowly to the right. Her spine and arms and legs curved around her belly.

Karkat bit back a curse. "I'm going to call Dave."

"Fuck, do you _have_ to? Besides, he's probably making passionate sex on Jade."

"Do I look like I give a fuck?"

"Dude, I can't see you, not IRL. You're probably blushing anyway." His silence confirmed it. "Called it. You are so goddamn adorable, you know that?"

"That--you--fucking hell, you never stop flirting! It's really disconcerting," spluttered Karkat.

"Yeah, well, everyone has their calling. Right now I'm just trying not to heave chunks on several cats and apparently complimenting you helps? That's. That's actually really weird." JP and Jaspers Junior were staring down from the chair she'd abandoned.

"Did Dirk say he would check on you tonight?"

"No? Is that bad?" She heard a muffled curse. "Getting the feeling that that's bad."

"No fucking shit."

The muted hiss of tires on gravel skewered her eardrums from the phone speaker and outside her window. "Back door's unlocked. I'm in my office."

"I'll be right in." He hung up. A car door slammed, closer than she expected, and Roxy flinched. Jaspers Junior leaped off the chair and ran toward the door, but JP just hunkered down on the spot and fixed his amber eyes on Roxy.

"Roxy?" The shout was muffled by the door. She could hear it open, and Jaspers Junior's whining meows, something heavy landing on the floor, and his footsteps in the kitchen.

"Take your shoes off, heathen," she groaned, and pushed the cat-laden chair away from the desk.

"Roxy?" Karkat followed her voice and pushed the door open wider. "Jesus shit, another cat?" A meow reverberated from the kitchen. "That one still hasn't shut up."

"Yeah, he never does," groaned Roxy. "Be a fuckin' miracle if _that_ ever happens." She crawled out from under the desk. Karkat rushed over to help her up, muddy sneakers staining the carpet. "Told you...to take those motherfucking shoes off."

"I'll get them off when I've checked you over. Come on, let's get you in bed."

"I knew we'd get there somehow." Roxy winked as he half carried her down the hall. Her body was burning. JP and JJ followed.

Karkat rolled his eyes. "Motherfucker, please. That can wait until you're not about to hurl." Roxy stared. "Fuck, no, fucking--I meant the _flirting_! Not getting you in--shut up." She snickered. "Which door is your room?"

"On the left." He dragged her to the door and let go of her with one hand to turn the handle. His arm was hot around her waist. The blank white walls welcomed her as Karkat heaved her up and into her bed. "Thanks, dude." Roxy patted him on the back encouragingly. Her hand shook and she quickly put it down.

"Do you have any buckets around? You are almost definitely going to start throwing up sooner or later. Did Dirk say anything about, I dunno, going to a doctor? Or detox? Detox would have been a good word to use." Karkat shed his windbreaker and dumped it on the end of the bed.

"No?" She gagged twice. "Fucking hate throwing up..."

"Don't fight it. I'll be right back." Karkat walked out the door, muttering something incoherent. _So, business as usual, I guess._

Roxy felt something land by her feet. She struggled to sit up a little and got herself propped up on a couple of pillows just in time to see JP pounce on JJ's tail. Something...dinged? Roxy looked around and spotted something vibrating in Karkat's discarded jacket. _Bad Roxy. Bad idea. Baaaaaaad._ Her fingers inched closer to the coat pocket. _Bad._ She reached the zipper and pulled it open, sliding the phone out. "I'm such a cat!" JJ looked at her. "What, you're a curious little butthole too. Don't even pretend you're not."

"Are you talking to yourself?" Karkat padded back into the room, blue plastic bucket in hand. "Your laundry room is a wasteland. What...are you looking at my phone?"

"Nooo..." Roxy trailed off. "It was dinging?" _Man, that sounds like an excuse. A bad excuse._ Karkat glared. "I swear to god, I didn't look!" The phone dinged again.

He finally spoke. "Password is 'fuckers'. Touch my documents and die. Do you have a thermometer anywhere?"

"I don't think so?"

"I have one in my bag." Karkat strode away, shoulders tight and hunched high. Roxy typed in the password on the tiny keyboard-- _ew, BlackBerry_ \--and stared at the messages icon. It dinged again. _Nope, bad idea, don't go there._ She scrolled across to the games folder and opened up sudoku. 

Her hand shook and she accidentally entered a four instead of a five. "Dammit!" JJ was purring on her chest when her throat filled. Roxy dumped him off her, leaned off the bed, and emptied her stomach of its contents. Karkat walked back in.

"I was expecting that." He proffered a large purple mug of water. "All your water glasses were dirty."

She took it and sipped. "I fucking hate this," she croaked.

"This isn't your first time trying to quit?" Karkat handed her a box of kleenex and Roxy wiped her chin and the edge of the mug.

"Nope." She popped the p. "First time was in college. Didn't last long."

"Hm. Were the symptoms this bad?" She could see him jotting the conversation down on an internal notepad. _Doctors._

"No. Just a literal headache. But I wasn't doing it as much?" Roxy shrugged. JJ edged closer to her from where he'd fled. "More of a weekly binge type deal."

"Mhm. And it escalated from there." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah. I honestly didn't think it would be this bad, based on the other...times..." She felt her gorge rising again, and leaned over the pail. More of her dinner returned for a meet and greet. He didn't react, other than to shift the bucket closer. "You sure you're gonna be a doctor? With your tolerance for bodily fluids, you could do anything..." Roxy shivered and pulled the blankets over herself, grabbing more kleenex to wipe her mouth. She jettisoned it into the bucket of ooze.

"I'll consider your career advice." Voice as dry as a bone.

She closed her eyes. "You're cute when you listen to me." Her eyes flew open when she felt lips on hers. "What the fuck?!"

Karkat pulled away and grinned. "You're cute when you compliment me."

"That's--now that's unnerving. You, being all, flirtatious, and--man, I just puked all over everything! How are you not disgusted beyond belief?" He only smirked in reply. "What about Terezi?" Karkat frowned and sat back. She almost spoke...but retched when she opened her mouth. "Fucking hell..."

Karkat shoved a thermometer into her mouth. "Hold this under your tongue until it beeps." He grabbed a tissue and wiped her chin again.

Roxy crossed her eyes to look at what he'd just inserted into her mouth _(heh)_. "Ith tha' a duck?"

"Shoosh. Keep that in there. Yes, that's a duck-duck-goose themed medical instrument. Kids' stuff was on sale, and it seemed...appropriate." Roxy flipped him off, but he just laughed. The thermometer beeped, and he checked it. "Well, you're not deathly feverish. That's good." He got up, making the bed creak as it resettled. "I'm just gonna get my bag."

"Can I talk to Dave on your phone? I don't know where I left mine..."

"Yeah, sure." Karkat left, thermometer still in hand. Roxy typed in his password again, and this time opened messages. There were a bunch of new ones sitting in his inbox:

Terezi Pyrope: SO WHATS THE SITCH WITH LALONDE?

_Huh. She does the caps thing too._

John Egbert: haha yeah!

Jade Harley: just be nice! :)

Sollux Captor: details??

Roxy scrolled past all these and it hit her. _He has the Pesterchum app! Duhhh._ She exited messages and hit up Pesterchum. _Word._

carcinoGeneticist began pestering turntechGodhead at 22:19

CG: DAVID ELIZABETH STRIDER  
CG: SHIT HOLD ON  
CG: david elizabeth strider  
CG: there we are  
TG: the fuck is this  
TG: are you having an identity crisis  
TG: and where did you hear that joke  
CG: no   
CG: dave what the fuck  
TG: sounds like normal you i guess  
CG: no dumbshit its roxy  
TG: oh  
TG: shit  
CG: oh shit is right  
TG: fuck  
TG: ok well its a valid opinion  
TG: i have every right to think stuff about my cousin smooching on my bro  
CG: ya to THINK it  
CG: u dont try to actually RUN R LIVES  
CG: or make decisions 4 us :(  
TG: rox it wasnt like that  
TG: i just  
TG: ok when you say it like that its both true and not  
TG: im just uncomfortable with you macking on people i know well  
TG: does that even make sense to you  
TG: rox  
TG: roxy  
TG: you still there  
CG: she was just throwing up. hold on a fucking minute.  
CG: i mean  
CG: FUCKING HELL.  
TG: karkat?  
CG: NO SHIT.  
TG: this is so fucking weird  
TG: ok wtf is happening  
TG: this is when a videophone would come in handy  
TG: star wars holographic shit   
TG: help me dave kenobi my makeout partner is barfing  
TG: use the bucket kar  
TG: hello  
TG: come on bro whats happening  
CG: JESUS DAEV  
CG: MOTHERFUCK  
TG: just pick caps or not jesus fucking christ  
CG: no  
CG: u dont control me  
TG: yeah ok  
CG: which is y u cant make us not periodically make out  
TG: sigh  
CG: damn fuckin straight ur sighing  
TG: ...  
CG: ya  
CG: anyway im gonna go talk 2 dirk bye

carcinoGeneticist ceased pestering turntechGodhead at 22:57

TG: k bye

"Dave's being an idiot."

"Tell me something I don't know." Roxy opened another chat window.

carcinoGeneticist began pestering timaeusTestified at 22:59

CG: dirk  
TT: Karkat?  
CG: no dork its roxy  
TT: Ah. Pardon my confusion, but why are you masquarading as your erstwhile mouth wrestling buddy?  
CG: ew dirk ur gross  
CG: anyway i just wanted to say that cold turkey was a whorebible plan  
TT: Was it?  
CG: YEAH IT FUCKING WAS.  
TT: ...  
TT: Karkat, I assume?  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT WITHDRAWAL CAN DO TO SOMEONE WHO IS AS DEPENDENT ON ALCOHOL AS LALONDE IS?  
TT: I have a feeling that you are about to inform me.  
CG: IT COULD HAVE KILLED HER.  
CG: IF SHE WASN'T TALKING TO ME WHEN THE SHAKES STARTED SHE COULD HAVE FUCKING CHOKED ON HER OWN VOMIT OR DIED OF DEHYDRATION.  
CG: EVEN NOW BEING IN A HOSPITAL MIGHT BE BETTER THAN ME JUST LOOKING AFTER HER HERE.  
CG: YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT, STRIDER.  
CG: STRIDER?  
TT: I'll be right over.

timaeusTestified ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 23:22

Karkat handed the phone back to Roxy. "He's coming over."

"Ugh." Roxy took it, but dropped it by her pillow. "I wanna sleep."

"That's fine, but I need to stay here and monitor you."

"K. S'cool. Sleep now." Roxy pulled the blankets over her shoulders and rolled on to her side. Karkat swung his legs up onto the bed behind her. "Took y'r shoes off." She reached back and patted him. "G'boy." He chuckled and she closed her eyes, sinking into blackness.

Two voices spoke over her. Roxy couldn't bring herself to open her eyes, but she listened. "It was pretty bad. I'm not gonna lie. It would have been fucking disastrous if she'd spent the night alone."

"Fuck." Dirk's deep voice. "I offered to stay, I swear...but she shrugged it off, she said she'd be fine..." Silence.

"But you didn't push the matter." _Statement of fact, not a question._ "And you assumed that she could handle it without even fucking googling what she was dealing with." Silence again.

"She's always been like this."

"Like what?" Karkat didn't even sound angry. _Just tired._

"Letting herself come second. Ever since she was a kid." A long pause. "My aunt--her mom, she was killed when Rox was just sixteen, did you know that?" Karkat's arms tightened around her. _So that's why I'm so warm._ "Rose was just thirteen...well, almost fourteen. There was an accident in the lab she worked in. Anyway, Roxy just stepped up, got a job, stayed in school, and started looking after Rose."

"Holy shit."

"I know. She, like, didn't want to be a burden on my parents or something. She kept their place--that was almost paid for by the insurance money, thank god---and just kept going.

"I'm just--I'm so proud of her. I totally understand why she started drinking, really I do. The strain. I think she tried to hide it from me at first...I only found out about it when she was nineteen."

"Fuck," Karkat muttered.

"Yeah. It wasn't that bad, then...I didn't know how much worse it was even today, I swear. She hid so much of what she was going through...especially when my bro passed away. Roxy was there for me the whole time..me and Dave, because we're emotionally repressed fuckheads."

"You don't say."

"Shut up, Vantas. Anyway, she got us through that, kept us from shattering beyond repair, raised Rose into the damn fine emotionally repressed woman she is, and got her degree in computer science. While struggling with her habit. She's so _strong_."

Roxy groaned. "Rox?" Weight shifted by her elbow.

"Strong my ass," she moaned, "I couldn't swat a beautiful butterfly off my nose right now."

"You ass," Dirk muttered. Her eyes blinked open as he brushed a kiss across her forehead.

"Lips 're down here." She knew he was rolling his eyes behind his shades.

"Thought that was my job." Karkat leaned down and touched his lips to hers. _Good line._


	5. Chapter 5

She woke up feeling even worse than when she'd passed out. Sunlight leaked through the pale curtains and spattered across her face. Roxy was lying flat on her back on the centre of her bed. From the way her head was positioned, she could just glimpse a pair of feet strongly resembling Dirk's poking out of a large blanket cocoon on the floor. Something warm was draped over her and breathing slowly on her neck. 

"Mrow?" She would know that nasal meow anywhere.

"JP...?" Roxy tried to sit up. Arms tightened around her torso. "Sorry cat, just give me...a second?" She struggled to roll away, but Karkat pulled her tighter against him. The cocoon rustled. 

"Arow?" Roxy raised her head and saw a second tail waving by the end of the bed. 

"Dammit, Junior, hold tight. Vantas is a bit clingy, apparently." JJ meowed mournfully again. 

"Wow. I mean, seriously, human octopus." Dirk's head emerged from its cavern and his eyes blinked rapidly against the sun. 

"Mmmrrf?" That cat-like noise sprouted from the throat of the octopus himself. 

"Vantas?" No response. Roxy vainly poked his arm. "Karkat?" He curled around her. "There is no escape, is there."

Dirk stood, dropping the blankets and pulling his tragically wrinkled shirt down. "I'll leave you two alone...and feed JJ and JP. Have fun." She could see him wink for once. 

The door shut. Roxy shoved harder at Karkat's arms. "I swear to god, you're doing this on purpose." Karkat shifted his head to rest his nose and forehead on her neck. 

"I'm comfortable." His voice was lower than usual. She sighed and twisted around to look at him. "Don't give me that look, you weren't struggling to get away last night."

Roxy narrowed her eyes. "Either you're scarily manipulative, or you're really made of marshmallow under all that bark." He regarded her levelly. "Yeah, marshmallow. It's official." She smacked a kiss on his cheek and finally struggled into an upright seated position. 

"Don't tell anybody." Karkat sat up too, and stretched his arms out as far as he could. Roxy poked at his exposed belly, he flinched, and she steeled herself to stand. Her stomach roiled.

"Yeah, my tummy is rumbling, and not in a good way."

"You probably won't feel up to eating much for a while. But you should definitely drink water. Do you feel like getting up or--?" Roxy was already heading to the door. "Right. Okay." Karkat followed.

tipsyGnostalgic began pestering gutsyGumshoe at 11:25

TG: janey  
TG: i see u online  
TG: theres no escape  
GG: Roxy!  
GG: Sorry, I was just finishing up my book. Nancy Drew sure is a clever one!  
TG: yes v interesting nancedrew   
TG: so lets pretend that ive been making out w a dude  
TG: who slept in my bed w me last night  
TG: and like  
GG: Excuse me??  
TG: hes adorable and everything is totes cool except hes staying over again  
TG: THIS IS AN ENTIRELY HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION  
GG: Um. Okay?  
GG: I'm pretending that?  
TG: ok good  
TG: so  
TG: what should i hypothetically do about it  
GG: ...  
GG: I guess you're doing alright so far?  
TG: what  
GG: Well, you say it's going well with this guy...you like him, he clearly likes you, you don't seem upset that he was in your bed...  
TG: yeah  
TG: and  
GG: Okay, just tell me exactly what you want help with? I'm drawing a blank here.  
TG: man idek tbh  
TG: its complicated  
GG: Why?  
TG: reasons  
TG: that i cant tell u  
TG: because stuff  
TG: ITS COMPLICATED  
GG: Ooookay.  
TG: j  
TG: janey  
TG: dont talk to dirk  
TG: ...  
TG: ur textin dirk arent you  
TG: that traitor  
GG: Afraid so.  
TG: le signn  
GG: He caught you with his shirt off?!  
TG: stfu  
GG: My my. :B  
TG: he told u about this morning didnt he  
GG: Yep.   
TG: he makes good scrambled eggs  
GG: And he apparently is a literal squiddle, cuddlewise. :B  
TG: its true  
TG: cuddled within an inch of my life last night  
TG: neway hes staying 2 help me get through the shit part of withdrawal bs  
GG: You're quitting?!  
TG: o right  
TG: forgot to tell ppl  
TG: ya thats a thing  
TG: that im doing  
GG: Oh my god. I'm so happy for you!!  
TG: u wouldnt b so happy if u saw the barfing i did last night  
GG: And Karkat stayed and helped you?  
TG: ya  
GG: Keep him.  
TG: jfc hes a fuckin MEDICAL STUDENT its not a big deal  
GG: Sure. Keep thinking that.   
TG: i will if i want 2  
GG: Alrighty. :B  
TG: bluh  
TG: oh i think hes out of the shower  
GG: Oooh! :B  
TG: stfu  
TG: laters j <3  
GG: Talk to you later! <3

tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe at 12:12

Roxy stood carefully, dumping a displeased JP on the floor, and followed the sound of footsteps to the kitchen. She paused in the doorway. Her knees buckled a little, so she clutched the door frame. Karkat's white shirt was speckled with darker spots of water from his damp hair. He was bent over, sleeves rolled up, digging through the vegetable drawer in the bottom of the refrigerator. Roxy examined his rear in clinical detail from her advantageous perspective. _Could bounce a nickel off that ass._ She sauntered over and indulged herself with a quick squeeze.

Karkat smacked his head off a shelf in the fridge. "What the hell, Lalonde?" He emerged, rubbing his head with a grimace.

"How do you know that wasn't me?" Dirk looked up from his newspaper at the kitchen table.

"Because I'm not denying doing it," smirked Roxy. Her knees wobbled again, and she sat down on a chair. Karkat ruffled her hair and absconded to the cutting board with a handful of carrots. "Dude...did you do dishes?"

"Yeah. There was basically no counter space. You _have_ a dishwasher. There are pretty much no valid excuses for that mess." His capable hands wrapped around a carrot and started peeling.

"I'm a working woman!"

"You work from home," Dirk interjected. He folded the sports section of the paper and dropped it on the table.

Roxy shrugged. "Meh." The kettle whistled impatiently until the burner was switched off. Karkat grabbed a squat rosy teacup and poured hot water over a teabag. He replaced the kettle on the stove and put the cup in front of Roxy. Spicy steam fumigated her face. "Mmmm, leafwater."

"Mint and ginger can help settle your stomach. Drink up." She grimaced and sipped obediently. "Good girl."

Roxy caught Dirk's eye as he examined them over the Life and Arts section and flipped him off silently. Dirk smirked.

"So are you two babysitting me now? Is that what's happening?"

"I am." Karkat raised his hand for a second without turning around, then returned to chopping innocent root vegetables.

"Oookay. For how long?"

"As long as it takes." Karkat's tone brooked no dissent. Dirk shrugged behind his back and mouthed _not my idea_ behind his back.

"Fine." Roxy gulped too much tea and burned her mouth. Coughing, she reached for something to wipe her streaming chin only to find Karkat's hand clutching a tea towel not five inches from her face. "You are such a mom!"

"The best mom." He held her face in place and stroked the towel across her face. _What is he doing?_ He bent down, establishing eye contact-- _holy fuck_ \--and kissed her. Roxy's eyes slid shut on impact and _omigod tongue incoming_ and _wow_. His hand slid down to her neck and rubbed at her nape and a hot spark shot through her and _holy shit since when are necks sexy._ Dirk coughed delicately.

"I really hope you don't kiss _your_ mom like that, Vantas." Karkat just smiled and went back to his carrots, leaving a flushed Roxy to cool down under Dirk's sardonic stare. _Motherfuck._

"Shut up, Strider."

"Never." He winked. _I wonder where his shades are._ "Anyway, I have to go help English with something, I'll swing by about this time tomorrow, okay?"

"Helping Jakey, huh?" Roxy ignored everything else he said and wonked back at him.

"Shut up, Lalonde." Dirk stood and collected the various sections of the paper, folding it crisply. "Your paper de news, milady."

Roxy took it and smacked him on both shoulders. "I dub thee Sir English-Helper. Go forth and live up to your name."

He rolled his eyes and stalked down the hall, presumably to collect his shades. Roxy turned to Karkat. "What was that?"

"It convinced him, didn't it?" His voice was light and casual.

"Probably. Alright then." Roxy flipped through the paper and grabbed Arts and Life. _He better not have done the crossword or Imma cut a bitch._ Dirk returned, eyewear procured.

"Well, I'm off. See you tomorrow, Rox." He bent down and hugged her. "You're doing so well. I'm proud of you," he whispered in her ear. She squeezed him tight, unable to speak. Dirk let go and straightened. "Later Vantas. Oh, sorry, Mom." With that, he headed door-ward and left.

"Bye!" Roxy shouted at the closed door.Then, glancing at Karkat, "Sorry about him. Family, am I right?"

"Have you met my brother?" She shook her head. "You don't even know."

"If you say so." She found the crossword and folded the paper smaller around it. "Six down..."

The room was quiet, except the clacking of Karkat's knife on the board and Roxy's murmuring. JJ sauntered into the room and leapt up onto the table.

"Get off the paper, cat. Hey, what's a nine-letter word for a form of government ruled by an upper class?"

"Hmm...oligarchy?"

"Oh, right. Thanks." Roxy scribbled down the word to the clattering sound of a large pot hitting the stove. "What're you making?"

"Soup. Don't worry about it. What's the next clue?" Water splashed into the pot.

"Seven letters, to speak eloquently--blarney. Okay, two letter word, Freudian--id...hmm. Six letter word ending in y, a haphazard fluid mixture..."

"Let me think about that one for a bit." She did, taking a sudoku break, filling in eight squares before he spoke again. The room filled with light steam. "Got it. Slurry."

"That's such a weird word."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans are made. Flirts are flirted. It's a normal day.

"So the way I see it, the best way to prevent an Egbertian disaster might be to covertly wrest control of the planning from Dave and Jade themselves."

"Diabolical. I like it," Roxy concurred. "Now what?"

"We need to get closer to Dave and Jade. Unfortunately, the whole friend-cousin makeouts fiasco may have lessened the likelihood of his confiding in me...and that's where you come in." Karkat leaned back in his chair and looked at her expectantly. _...What?_

Roxy looked back. The silence dragged on. "...Where I come in with what?"

"You approach from the rear." She glanced down at his hidden assets. _Hehe._ "Not that! Jesus, Roxy...you talk to Jade!"

"About what?"

"Us. Feelings. Hurt feelings, specifically."

She tented her fingers. "...Go on."

"You talk to Jade about how you feel about me," Karkat continued. "Say you like me, love me, whatever. Then start talking about how Dave's freakout is making you feel."

"Annoyed?"

Karkat rolled his eyes. "Hurt. Upset. Wounded, even. Make Jade feel so bad that she talks to Dave about it. And that's when I approach from the other side."

"Oh, and you talk to Dave about stuff after she softens him up?" At Karkat's nod, she grinned. "Fuckin' a, you're good at this! Hi five!"

He held out his hand for Roxy to slap. "This all depends on you convincing Jade in the first place, though. It has to be real. Feel the hurt. Be dismayed. Show Jade the truth."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Cry a bit, hug a bit, then mondo planning time. Right on!"

"We also need to stay close to the others, though. Keep an eye on Jane and Rose, and I'll try to endure Egbert and Strider the elder. We need to know their plans backwards and forwards, Lalonde."

Roxy saluted. "Aye aye, sir!"

"Alright! Now, why are you drawing a diagram?"

She stopped moving her crayon. "I think better with visuals."

"You drew me shirtless!"

Roxy winked. "I call it like I see it." _Or like I did._

Karkat grabbed a pink crayon and started furiously scribbling. "I'll show you..."

tipsyGnostalgic began pestering gardenGnostic at 19:22

TG: jade  
GG: hey roxy!!  
TG: whats up  
GG: not much! just chilling with dave  
GG: were both interneting :p  
TG: oh  
TG: thats cool  
GG: ...  
GG: are you okay??? :(  
TG: yeah sure  
TG: totes fine  
GG: roxy come on  
GG: ive known you AND dave for a long time  
GG: tell me whats wrong :c

"See? I told you I know what I'm doing!" Roxy turned around to smirk up at him.

Karkat stood hunched over her chair. "Shut up, Lalonde." She rolled her eyes and returned to her keyboard.

TG: ugh fine  
TG: its dave  
GG: what did he do?  
TG: hes freaking out about this whole vantas situation  
GG: vantas situation??????  
TG: omg he didnt tell u??  
TG: well were together  
GG: romantically????????????  
TG: yep  
GG: :O  
TG: ikr  
TG: i wasnt ready 4 this either

Karkat prodded her shoulder. "It was your idea!"

Roxy waved her hand behind her head, distracted. "Shut up, Vantas."

TG: n e way daves not cool w the situation  
TG: and neither is johnny  
GG: really???  
GG: hes been saying you guys should date for years!!

"What?"

TG: ...  
TG: . . .  
TG: r u srs  
GG: yeah :/  
TG: what the FUCK  
GG: :/  
TG: now im even MORE MAD  
TG: and sad  
GG: yeah...i dont know why hed act like that!!!  
TG: y did he think so anyway  
TG: idle curiosity  
GG: lol sure :p  
TG: stfu  
GG: hehe!  
GG: i think it started in college  
GG: there was this one night when he was saying really really nice stuff about you  
TG: like what??  
GG: like how nice you are and how youd do anything for someone and he was like roxy deserves someone who would do the same for her  
GG: roxy?  
GG: are you there?  
TG: ommg  
TG: daev said that?!!?  
GG: pretty much yeah :)  
TG: crying omfg  
GG: are you okay????  
TG: just happy  
TG: wait  
TG: then he thinks vantas is the one for me???  
GG: welllllllll he didnt at first  
TG: who who who??  
GG: he was considering john at the time  
TG: rlly???  
TG: i mean hes a qt but  
GG: yeah i know what you mean  
GG: hes still a kid  
TG: yeaahah  
TG: cradlerobbing amirite  
GG: totally :p  
TG: and then vantas?  
GG: yeah! i think he decided that after first year  
GG: karkats great but he improves with age! :p  
TG: ahahahahha ik ik

"What are you trying to say?" Karkat frowned behind her.

"Your defense mechanisms work. Now shoosh!"

TG: and its so true tho karkat is a TOTAL mama bear under all that snarling  
TG: but wait  
TG: then y is dave being an a hole about it  
GG: hmmmmm  
GG: i have a hypothesis  
GG: it might not be right!!! but its very possible  
TG: *tenting fingers* do go on  
GG: i think he thinks that reverse psychology would work in his favour  
TG: :?  
GG: like telling you to break up would only make you more committed  
TG: !!!  
TG: thats totally it omg  
TG: how did i not c that im the next best thing 2 a strider  
GG: shrug  
GG: it is possible to stand so close to something that you cant see it clearly  
TG: hmm guess so  
TG: well now i guess i feel less sad about this whole thing  
TG: still annoyed but thats kinda a perpetual thing w dave  
GG: hehe its true  
GG: and im marrying the guy!  
TG: dont know how u do it  
TG: takin 1 4 the team there girl  
GG: im telling him you said that!!!  
TG: shit

Roxy stood. "Dude, sit in my chair?"

Karkat eyed her dubiously. "What are you planning?"

She rolled her eyes. "Just do it!" She shoved at him until he sat gingerly, then promptly plopped into his lap. "Selfie time!" Roxy opened Snapchat and ordered him, "Smile!"

Karkat wrapped his arms around her waist and grimaced on cue. She captioned it 'suck on this' and sent it to Jade.

TG: check ur phone ;D  
GG: eeeeeeeee you guys are so cute!!!  
GG: showing dave  
GG: he mimed throwing up pretty accurately minus barf  
TG: gross  
TG: y r u marrying such a GROSS DUDE  
GG: he is mortally offended apparently  
TG: wounded even?  
GG: hurt, rox! :p  
TG: tell him his movies r lame  
GG: you are a cruel woman  
TG: if he wasnt a dick id b nicer to him  
GG: fair enough  
TG: :3

Roxy felt him shift under her. "Am I crushing you? Need me to move?"

"No, it's okay, I just started talking to Dave a little while ago and you're sitting on my phone...there, got it." Karkat pried it from under her ass and reopened his texts. Roxy craned her neck to peer at the screen.

Karkat Vantas: I KNOW JADE'S BEEN TALKING TO YOU. ARE WE GOOD?  
Dave Strider: yeah we cool  
Karkat Vantas: SO WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT PERFORMANCE ABOUT? DICKASS MOVE, FUCKWAD.  
Dave Strider: whatever motherlover calm down that rage sausage  
Karkat Vantas: YOU'RE A FUCKING PRETENTIOUS DOUCHE SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW THAT?  
Dave Strider: that isnt exactly breaking news kk  
Dave Strider: youve been saying that since day one  
Karkat Vantas: YEAH TRUE  
Dave Strider: yeeeeeep  
Karkat Vantas: OK  
Dave Strider: ok

"You guys are ridiculous!"

Karkat shrugged. "We've known each other so long that conversation via text is basically pointless."

She furrowed her brow. "I've known him way longer and we have much more complex conversations."

"Yeah, well," Karkat rolled his eyes, "You guys are the same types of conversationalists. You can bounce off each other's idiosyncracies forever."

"Oh my god. You used the word idiosyncracies in day to day conversation." Roxy stood and flipped around to sit in his lap facing him, legs splayed around his torso. "Take me now."

Karkat blushed. "Uh...you have messages waiting from Jade." Roxy planted a kiss on his nose and turned back around to type.

GG: hehe  
GG: roxy? you still alive?  
GG: roxyyyyyyyyy  
GG: fine ill go hang out with dave  
GG: thatll show you!!!! :p  
TG: naw no call 4 that im back  
GG: what were you doing?  
TG: more like  
TG: who ;;;)))))  
GG: roxy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TG: ahahaha chillax brochacho we were only makin out

"Were not!"

"Stfu."

TG: wanna see the hickey i gave him? ;)

"There's no hickey!"

"Why so bothered, Vantas?" Roxy winked at him. "Want one?" Karkat spluttered. _He doooooo._

GG: omg no!!!!  
TG: u sure  
TG: this is  
TG: HOT manfriend action  
TG: steamay as all getout  
GG: ill take your word for it :p  
TG: youre missing out  
GG: yeah whatever :p

Roxy twisted in his lap to grin at him. "Wanna make Jade uncomfortable?"

"Will it help with the plan?" His voice cracked.

"Maybe. A little." He gave her The Look. "I said maybe!"

"Alright. What did you have in mind?"

"This." Roxy leaned forward and nipped at his throat.

"Roxy!" She ignored him and nibbled his neck, tugging at his skin with her teeth. She could feel a shiver go through his whole body. _Still got it._ "Roxy..." Karkat went sort of limp, letting her lips and teeth and tongue work their magic without even a token struggle. Roxy savoured her power over his reaction. She noted his shudder as she amped up the suction, and the involuntary whimper that escaped when she brought her chilly fingers up to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. _Damn._

Karkat stiffened when she let go of him and stood. "There's the boner," she smirked, and he blushed. Again. _Fucking adorable._ She could feel her whole body tingling. "Hold that pose." Roxy could almost see the rounded bruise darkening under his golden skin. She pulled out her phone and opened Snapchat.

"What pose?" She took the photo and captioned it 'all yall r jealous'. _Hmm...who to send it to?_ Roxy selected Dirk, Rose, Jade, Jane...hell, Jake too. And Dave, of course. She hit the sendy-arrow icon and it disappeared.

The room filled with soft panting. "Where did you leave that drawing of me again?" Karkat waited to regain his breath before answering.

"I think...it's in the kitchen." Roxy left him, starting to sit up in her desk chair, to retrieve it. When she returned, paper in hand, he was perusing her Pesterchum messages.

"Anything interesting?" She pushed his arms out of the way and regained her lap perch.

"Just everyone freaking out about that Snapchat." Roxy reached as far as she could across her desk to the bulletin board and impaled the rough crayon pinup portrait on a pushpin. "And by freaking out, I mean congratulations, a string of curse words, shock, awe, and genuine admiration."

"Radical. Let me see!"

timaeusTestified began pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 20:37

TT: I'm impressed. Keep up the good work.  
TT: Check your phone.

timaeusTestified ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 20:39

Roxy unlocked her phone and opened her new Snapchat from Dirk. She snorted. His and Cal's hands gave her thumbs up. A corner of Dirk's mouth was quirked up. _Fuckin' right._

GG: what the motherfucking dickshit was that ass salami what the fucking fuck roxy motherFUCK  
GG: sorry!!!! that was dave hes actually super freaked out oh noooo  
GG: brb roxy

gardenGnostic ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 20: 38

gardenGnostic began pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 20:38

GG: wow though!!!! hehe ;)

gardenGnostic ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 20:38

golgothasTerror began pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 20:38

GT: What the devilfucking dickens is this business?!  
GT: I was not expecting to witness a ravaged vantas and especially not from you!!  
TG: ahahahahaha did u enjoy  
TG: its the new roxy special ;)  
GT: ...  
GT: I need a towel

golgothasTerror ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 20:43

gutsyGumshoe began pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 20:40

GG: Roxy!! Really????  
TG: :3  
GG: That is beyond inappropriate, I'll have you know!  
GG: Indiscreet, improper, unladylike...  
TG: did u like it  
GG: ...  
GG: How was it?  
TG: THERES MY JANEY  
TG: it was good

"Oh my god, at least have the decency to wait until I'm out of the room!" Karkat stood, spilling Roxy off his lap and onto her feet, and walked out the door. Jaspers Junior followed. "I'm going to do dishes!" he called back over his shoulder.

Roxy grinned.

TG: hes so responsive its unfuckingbelievable  
GG: Oh really! :B  
TG: u have noooo idea  
TG: and never will :3  
GG: Oh, being territorial, are you?

She stopped typing. _Am I?_

TG: uh  
GG: It's alright, you know. People get like that in new relationships!

_What relationship?!_

TG: yeah ok  
TG: paws off  
GG: Hoo hoo hoo! :B  
TG: n e way  
TG: do u think were a good couple  
GG: What I think doesn't matter!  
TG: no but it does  
TG: srsly  
TG: whaddya think grrl  
GG: Hmm.  
GG: Well, I haven't seen you two sillyfaces together in person, but based on what you and Dirk have said, I think you're doing very well!  
GG: When did you get together again?

"Vantas!" An incoherent shout of reply reached her ears. "Vantas!!" 

"What?" His voice grew closer. 

"How long have we been together?" 

"Uh..." He reached the door and peeked inside. "What do you think?" 

"A while? It's more plausible that way. Maybe we had a fight yesterday? Because I sorta...complained about you to Jane," Roxy finished, mumbling her words together. "So....a couple of weeks? Months? Years?" 

"Three weeks? That works for me." Karkat ducked back around the door and Roxy could hear his retreating footsteps. "Just say a while first, make her dig." 

GG: Hello??  
TG: srry kk came back for a sec  
GG: Back for seconds, was he? ;)  
TG: omg j go u getting in the dirty zone  
TG: n e way yeah its been a while  
GG: How long?  
TG: about 3 weeks i think  
GG: Huh! Dirk bet that it was two months!  
TG: yall r betting on us  
GG: Yes. :B  
TG: ...  
TG: who else guessed what  
GG: Dave guessed three days. Jake said six months, heh. Jade estimated three months, and John guessed a day! Isn't that ridiculous?  
TG: ahahahahahaha yeah  
TG: cray cray ridics  
TG: we r so long term its not even funny  
GG: Exactly! Dirk says you have so many couple-y tics, it's adorable!  
TG: rlly? like what?  
GG: He mentioned that you guys seem to be really into PDA.  
TG: ...  
GG: A lot.  
TG: no comment  
GG: Cuddling?  
TG: no comment  
GG: I heard about that kitchen kiss!  
TG: no comment  
GG: You literally sent out photos of him after you gave him a hickey!  
TG: no comment  
GG: You smacked his behind!  
TG: ...  
TG: in my defense  
TG: dat ass  
GG: No comment.  
TG: thats what i thought  
GG: Be right back!!

gutsyGumshoe ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 21:17 

TG: ya ok


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callie! Other stuff too.

"So you send out save-the-dates so they save the date? Why not just a mass text?"

Karkat facepalmed. Roxy shrugged and slumped back in her chair. "It's just not classy, okay?" His voice held an edge of desperation.

"It's more eco-friendly."

"Weddings aren't about being eco-friendly."

"Oh, right, they're about love, good wishes, togetherness, blah blah blah..." She rolled her eyes and got up to turn the kettle on.

"Not really." He swept some sugar off the tabletop and into his hand. "They've actually turned into a huge status symbol to brag about how happy and rich you are, essentially," he said. Karkat got up too and grabbed both their mugs with his empty hand. "It's bullshit, but now it's traditional bullshit." She flipped the kettle open and turned on the tap to fill it.

"So now everyone just gets peer-pressured into tulle and lace and orchids?" _Lame._ The burner flickered on and Roxy dropped the kettle over it with a clatter.

"Pretty much." He let the stray grains fall out of his palm down the drain and rinsed out the mug, leaving them by the sink. "Though hopefully this one will leave out some of the stupid extravagances."

"Like save-the-dates."

"Well, those might be a given, but I was thinking about nixing the giant cake, live band, shitty food..."

"There will be cake." She was certain. "With Jane and John around?"

"Right. Well, the other stuff still stands."

"I guess?" She dropped into a creaking chair and made a face at the table.

"Yeah." Bubbles thumped against the bottom of the kettle. "So that's what save-the-dates are for."

"Ugh, wedding lessons are boring..."

"Yep. Wanna watch shitty reality tv wedding shows instead?"

"Oh, fuck yes." The kettle whimpered and worked up to a shriek. "After we get tea."

tipsyGnostalgic began pestering uranianUmbra at 13:12

TG: so wedding dresses are supes important  
TG: thats what say yes to the dress is telling me  
UU: Studying up for the wedding, are you? :U  
TG: totes yo  
TG: hells of drama tho  
UU: It IS reality television, Roxy. uvu  
TG: ik but this is srsly ridic  
TG: like this dad is FREAKIN OUT because his daughter doesn't want long sleeves  
TG: this aint the 1700s no more honey  
UU: It definitely isn't!!  
TG: anyway  
TG: whats up chiqa  
UU: Oh, nothing too special!  
UU: Just reading over my final draft!  
TG: oooommmggg  
TG: can i read??!?!?!?!  
UU: Not yet!  
UU: Not only are the illustrations incomplete...  
UU: But I also need to send it to my editor...but perhaps I could be persuaded to email you a secure copy. ;U  
TG: that would b BALLER AS HELL  
TG: plz do on the double  
TG: PLZ  
UU: I will inquire with my agent, but it should be fine! uvu  
TG: IM SO EXCITED  
TG: i cant even deal omg its been years since ur last book!!!1  
UU: Yes, it's been a while...  
UU: But hopefully it will be worth the wait!  
TG: it totes will b i know u :3  
UU: You're too kind. :U  
TG: pfff ya whatever  
TG: r u flying over 4 the wedding?!?!  
UU: Absolutely!  
UU: I am just awaiting an official save-the-date so I know when to get my ticket! uvu  
TG: .........  
TG: ok so maybe he was right  
UU: Who???? He????  
TG: omg i forgot 2 tell u  
TG: im kinda w a dude now  
UU: !!!!!!  
UU: DETAILS please!!  
TG: uh well  
TG: when a boy and a girl like each other v much  
UU: Sigh...  
TG: they make out + date n stuff  
UU: ...  
TG: it started a few weeks ago  
TG: ...w karkat  
TG: vantas  
UU: Really??  
UU: Huh. I shall have to amend my hypothesis. uvu  
TG: what hypothesis???  
UU: Um.  
TG: ????  
UU: ...  
UU: Well, I guess I had better just get it out there...  
UU: For a long time, I've been of the mind that you and John would get together...  
TG: u 2?!  
UU: Someone else considered that?  
TG: ya apparently dave n jade n maybe other ppl  
UU: That's actually not that surprising. You would have fit very well!  
TG: meh  
UU: You shrug, but your upbeat personalities would mesh perfectly!  
UU: Then again, it's your choice to snog whomever you might choose. :U  
TG: dam straight  
UU: Besides, I haven't met or talked to this Karkat Vantas person! He might very well equal John in compatibility. uvu  
TG: OOOMG WANNA TALK 2 HIM  
UU: Uh...  
TG: HELLO?  
UU: ...  
UU: Hello?  
UU: Is this Mr. Vantas?  
TG: YEAH. HOW'S IT GOING?  
TG: YOU'RE THE BRITISH ONE, RIGHT?  
UU: But of course! :U  
UU: And you're the boyfriend, correct?  
TG: I GUESS SO?  
UU: You guess so? Interesting.  
TG: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?  
UU: Just that...well, pardon my bluntness, but you don't seem very committed to her if you don't even consider yourself to be her partner.  
TG: WHAT?  
UU: As her friend, I am very concerned with Roxy's emotional welfare. I hold grave concerns about whether you will fulfill them.  
TG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?  
TG: I'M VERY CONCERNED WITH LALONDE'S WELFARE! I'VE BEEN FUCKING LOOKING AFTER HER FOR A WEEK!!  
TG: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY SHIT LIKE THAT TO ME. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT WE HAVE TOGETHER.YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW ME.  
TG: I'M DONE TALKING TO YOU.  
UU: ...  
TG: whoa hes super mad  
TG: what did u say  
TG: hold on reading  
UU: Well.  
TG: dude wow  
TG: holy shit he said that  
UU: He'll do.  
TG: ...  
UU: Is he that loud and shouty in real life?  
TG: ahahaha na  
TG: hes crusty on the outside but soft and melting in ur mouth on the inside  
TG: like bread!!  
UU: You always did like bread. uvu  
TG: haha yeah  
TG: n e way i should go talk 2 him  
UU: I concur.  
UU: Do apologize on my behalf to him.  
TG: sure  
TG: later cal <3333  
UU: Bye, Roxy! <3

tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering uranianUmbra at 14:47

"Karkat?" Roxy tiptoed cautiously down the hallway, cradling JP in her arms. The TV muttered in the distance. Jaspers Junior followed closely behind. A dull thud echoed down the hallway from the kitchen.

She entered the room and stopped to watch. JJ was less patient, lolloping under the kitchen table to paw at Karkat's toes.

Karkat was whisking several white powders together with the bowl balanced on its side. He let it fall as he reached for the ceramic container of sugar, and it landed on the counter with a thud. JP struggled in her grip and Roxy let him leap to the ground.

"Rage baking?" she asked. He looked up for a second, then concentrated on levelling the sugar in a measuring cup. "I could get used to this."

"I like baking," he answered slowly. Karkat poured the sugar into the bowl and whisked again briskly. "Rolling out dough is relaxing."

"Plus, you get to feed people with the results." Roxy reached into an open plastic bag and stole a few raisins. "That feeds your mama bear instinct, I guess."

Karkat grimaced, opened his mouth to speak, and grinned instead. "Yeah, I guess that's a benefit." He opened the fridge and bent to grab a lemon out of the fruit drawer. "It mostly reminds me of my dad, actually."

"Your dad?" Roxy sat up in her chair. "Oh, you don't have to talk about it if--"

"It's fine." He rummaged through a low cupboard and pulled out a triangular grater. Karkat grabbed a small recangular cutting board and slapped them both in front of her. "Here. Zest this." He took away the raisins and she grimaced at his back.

She squeezed the lemon between her hands and sniffed the rind. _Mmmmm._ A tingle shot down her nose and through her tongue, and she got to work scraping the lemon over the rough surface, balancing the upright grater on the board.

"My dad studied to be a priest. Like, a long time ago, when he was younger than I am. Anyway, that all ended when he met my mom."

"Why?"

"He wanted to be a Catholic priest."

" _Oh._ "

"Yeah." Karkat used a long dull knife to chunk up some butter and plop it in the flour bowl. "So he couldn't be a priest and be with her...and he chose her. He still wanted to be close to God, so he worked with the church on charity projects and stuff."

"He sounds nice." She turned the lemon in her hand and scraped at the other side. "Are you religious?" 

He paused as he sorted through her multitude of mugs. "No? And yes? I don't know."

"Good answer." They worked quietly for a while. Roxy felt something scrabbling at her thigh and looked down to see JP contemplating jumping up onto the table. "Bad cat. No."

JP looked up at her with wide golden eyes...and ambled off to his food bowl, pretending with all his might that that was what he had planned all along. _Cats._

She set down the lemon and gave the grater a sharp smack on the table to loosen any zest that might be caught in the holes. "Yo, I think I'm done with this."

"Okay. Here, juice it through this." Karkat handed her a sieve and a bowl. "It'll catch the seeds."

"Innovative." Roxy got up and grabbed a knife. "Anyway, your dad?" She cut it in half and squeezed.

"Oh, right. Do you have a cast iron pan?"

"Yeah?" Roxy trailed off, thinking hard. "Wait, yeah, I definitely do. Check the cupboard by the stove."

"Alright." Karkat poured the lemon juice in the butter-flour mixture before opening the cupboard door. A small pot fell out. "Organized."

"Stfu, nerd."

"You have a crepe pan?" he asked incredulously. Something clattered and Karkat swore.

Roxy shrugged. "I dunno, Jane leaves shit all over the place. Actually, sometimes when pans and whatever don't work out at the bakery, she gives them to me. I have no idea what they do, so..."

"They end up in here. I get it," he grunted. He pulled the wide black pan out from under a pile of pots and let them fall back into place. "Okay, so, my dad. He did a lot for people...especially baking."

"Jane and Jade and John's dad did too."

"Yeah, so I've heard. The famous cakes, of course."

Roxy grinned. "Their birthdays were the best for a reason." She rubbed her hands together. They were ever so slightly sticky, and alive with fragrance.

"I bet." Karkat turned the burner on under the pan and returned to bowl. He rolled up his sleeves and started kneading.

"What happened to your dad?" She could see his shoulders stiffen through his shirt. "Fuck, I mean--"

"It's fine." He kept kneading, turning the bowl with one hand as he rolled the dough to collect stray flour with the other. "He died. Cancer. Years ago."

"I'm sorry." Her voice was tiny.

"It's fine." Karkat carried the bowl of dough to the table and put it down with unnecessary force. "Fuck, sorry." Roxy looked up at him and saw his eyes shut, lips thin. _What can I say? How can I help?_ She stood without thinking further and hugged him.

She could feel his whole body, alive with tension. Roxy tightened her arms around his middle and he stretched his around her shoulders. They stood together for a while, the fading sunlight gilding their hair, until Karkat sat and pulled her into his lap, burying his face in her shoulder. The rickety chair creaked under them, but neither responded nor moved. Her fingertips traced letters on his back. _Peace._

A burning smell filled the air. "Is that the pan?"

"Fuck the pan." His throat caught.

"That's a fire hazard."

"Ugh." Karkat reluctantly let go of her, but not before leaving a gentle kiss on her collarbone. It seared her skin as he disentangled himself and turned down the heat. _Fuck._

"What are we making, anyway?" Her voice was steadier than she'd expected. Roxy tucked her hair behind her ears.

"Welsh cakes. I got this recipe from a friend of mine." Karkat wiped down the tabletop quickly, shooing away JP as he tried to stay on there.

"Cool." She watched him dry off the table and sprinkle flour, ready to roll shit out. "Need any help?"

"Not really. Pretty much smooth sailing from here out."

"Mind if I watch more Say Yes to the Dress?"

"Go nuts."

Roxy perched on a counter top, for once nearing Karkat's height, peering at the laptop screen across the room. Her precious window into ruffles and petticoats sat atop the toaster. Karkat used an off-white mug emblazoned with the logo of a local real estate agency to cut out circles of dough.

"No, don't get that one!" she muttered into her tea. Fixing her eye on his back, Roxy slurped back some tea and watched him cringe. "She should definitely get the one with the sheer lace on the bodice!"

"I dunno," he drawled, taking a momentary break from doughmongering to study the outfit critically. "The silvery one is pretty nice."

"Meh. Makes her look like the Statue of Liberty."

"Hmm, I don't know, she's pretty hot..." Karkat smirked as Roxy tried to smack his back. _Why can't I have longer arms?!_ He piled the cut out dough in a corner of the table and turned up the heat under the pan. He scattered a handful of flour across its surface and arranged seven cakes on it.

"What's with the flour?" Her brows furrowed.

"Keeps them from sticking without getting them greasy."

"Huh." Must ask Janey about this. Roxy pulled out her phone.

tipsyGnostalgic began pestering gutsyGumshoe at 17:53

TG: yo gurl  
TG: hot an important question about bakign  
TG: fuck  
TG: *got **baking  
GG: Are you drinking????  
TG: oh my god  
TG: NO I AM NOT WASTED OFF MY FACE  
TG: jesus j  
TG: IM NOT FUCKING DRUNK  
TG: SOMETIMES I HIT THE WRONG LETTERS ON MY PHONE KEYBOARD  
TG: really jane  
TG: glad u trust me to look after myself

tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe at 17:56

GG: Wait, I didn't mean...  
GG: Fucking hell.

"Are you okay?" Suddenly Karkat was right there and she had been focusing _so hard_ on not crying and _oh motherfuck there goes my concentration_. A big tear rolled down her cheek and the floodgates slid begrudgingly open further and further until she was crying onto his chest and _fuck this is so gross_ and she hiccupped in the middle of sobbing and the cakes were definitely burning she could smell it and _I mean really there is definitely snot on his shirt_ and she just couldn't stop.

Of course, she did eventually stop, but she left her face resting on his damp chest and tried to collect her thoughts. _Nope, not happening._ At last Roxy looked up at him. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Karkat didn't smile, but she knew he meant it.

"Okay." She managed a watery smile. "Let's get you out of that shirt."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, this one's a bit rough, I wrote it all today...it was a slow day at work :P
> 
> probably needed more editing, but I wanted to post something! it's been a little while since I updated :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff? Things? People? It's all here.

Roxy woke with a shiver. The blankets were bunched up at the end of the bed and her legs were covered in goose bumps. JP yawned from her sock drawer, stretching out and digging his claws into the wood. She chucked a pillow at him and immediately apologized when she saw his offended face.

Her phone buzzed.

Kitty: IT'S ABOUT 9 AM AS I TYPE THIS. I HAD TO GO TO CLASS. I ALREADY MISSED SIX LECTURES, I CAN'T SKIP MORE.  
Kitty: IT'S PAST 11 NOW. YOU'RE PROBABLY STILL ASLEEP. DON'T WORRY, IT'S NORMAL, YOU'RE STILL NOT EATING MUCH, WHICH IS ALSO NORMAL, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP SLEEPING A LOT TO COMPENSATE FOR THE LOSS OF ENERGY FROM FOOD. DON'T WORRY.  
Kitty: LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU WAKE UP. I'LL BE HOME AROUND 5:30 TO START DINNER.  
Kitty: I MEAN NOT HOME. SHIT. IGNORE THAT.  
Kitty: FUCK  
Roxy: omg kk thats adorable  
Kitty: GOOD AFTERNOON. SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
Roxy: stfu nerd  
Kitty: YOU'RE THE NERD. DON'T THINK I DIDN'T SEE YOUR CAPTAIN AMERICA UNDERWEAR.  
Roxy: wait when the hell did u see those  
Roxy: and why don't i remember that ;)  
Kitty: YOU LEFT THEM ON MY CLOTHING PILE. NOT MY FAULT YOU HAVE PITIFUL AIM.  
Roxy: stfu i have the BEST aim ok  
Kitty: YEAH WHATEVER.  
Kitty: HOW ARE YOU FEELING?  
Roxy: like a barf pooped out by a shit  
Roxy: but thats slightly better than yesterday sooooooooo  
Kitty: YOU AND DAVE NEED TO QUIT THE IMAGERY BUSINESS BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT  
Roxy: w/e dude u like it  
Kitty: DO NOT.  
Roxy: do 2  
Kitty: DO NOT  
Roxy: DO TOO  
Kitty: DO NOT  
Roxy: wanna move in w me?  
Kitty: WHAT THE FUCK??  
Roxy: dude youve been sleeping in my bed for weeks now and only going home 2 water the plants  
Roxy: just bring them here and get it over with jfc  
Kitty: THAT'S A PRETTY DUMB REASON FOR A BIG COMMITMENT LIKE THAT  
Roxy: oh come on  
Roxy: take a chance  
Roxy: jj probably wont kill u in ur sleep  
Kitty: OH YES, THAT'S VERY CONVINCING ROX.  
Roxy: come onnnnnnn  
Roxy: u dont wanna let a hot piece of ass like this slip away ;)  
Kitty: ...  
Roxy: + itll be super convincing on the scheme front  
Kitty: I GUESS SO.  
Kitty: FINE.  
Kitty: YOUR CATS BETTER NOT EAT MY FERNS.  
Roxy: no promises  
Fancy Vantas: LE SIGN.

She tossed her phone on the bed beside her and risked a glance at her alarm clock. 3:17. _Late as a butt._ Her phone buzzed again but she ignored it and stretched her arms straight up, flexing. Roxy groaned and rolled to the edge of the bed, swinging her legs off and onto the floor. She stood. _Fuckin' right._ JP jumped out of her drawer and followed her to the kitchen.

Karkat pulled up in the driveway at approximately six twenty-three. The house was dark, and the sun was just ducking behind the treetops as he lugged several cardboard boxes from his car. Something fluttered in a bush and he stopped to look. The light in his car had blinded him to the gloaming sights but after a minute or so, Karkat could make out the shape of a small rabbit huddling there. He caught movement in the corner of his eye and spotted another hiding behind Roxy's car. Its fur looked grey in the halflight. He blinked, letting the darkness fill his eyes, and let the night settle into the woods.

When the rabbits seemed to have scampered out of earshot, Karkat resumed his halfhearted lugging. There were only four cardboard boxes piled on the porch, and one of them was full of potted plants. Strands of ivy dangled over the edge and past his belt when he carried it.

Karkat put the plant box down on the bench by the door while he fiddled with his keys. The jangling reached Roxy's sleeping ears dimly and added a triangle player to the vegetable orchestra in her dream.

He opened the door, box balanced on his hip, and saw her lying on the couch. JJ and JP slept on the floor and on a stool nearby respectively.

"Roxy?" She opened her eyes and squinted.

"Hey! You're home! What time is it?"

"Six-thirtyish. I picked up some stuff from my place." He put the box he was carrying down and JP padded over to investigate. "They'd better not eat my plants."

"They probably will, not gonna lie," she chuckled, "But I'm just glad you're staying!"

"Really?" Something caught in his throat and he sat on the sofa by her feet.

"Of course." She sat up and scooted toward him. "Why did you think I asked you to?" He shrugged. Roxy tugged him toward her. She started playing with his hair when his warm weight filled her lap and he relaxed. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Go for it."

She leaned down and whispered in his ear. "I didn't want to lose your cooking skills." 

"Shut up, Lalonde," he groaned.

"Make me." He did. This kiss was soft and comfortable, not urgent or passionate. He'd reached up and pulled her down to him, and, oddly, she didn't mind his fingers lingering on her throat. 

She pulled back, and he let go of her. "What are you doing?" 

"...Kissing you?" Karkat shrugged.

"There's no one here to convince, dude." Roxy tried to braid his hair, but it sprang apart every time she let go. _Not long enough._

"There's you." He tilted his head to look up at her. "I don't know if you'll be able to keep up a charade in front of everybody without being totally with it in the moment."

She stared in disbelief. _What the hell?_ "Excuse me? I was the one who came up with this whole charade--on the fly!"

"Yep. So you can make shit up, big deal. That's very different from carrying out a long-term plan. Especially one you don't even believe in." Hs voice was dry, dispassionate, normal-sounding.

"Ugh, whatever, man. What's for dinner?" Roxy shoved him off her lap and stalked toward the kitchen. JP followed in a similar gait.

"I'll be there in a minute," he called, turning back to his box of plants. Jaspers Junior was batting at the leaves emerging from the top and Karkat hissed, making him freeze and skitter away. "Little asshole."

"Is it okay if a couple of my friends come over tomorrow?" Karkat spun his fork to twist the spaghetti around it and scooped the bite into his mouth. 

Roxy rolled her eyes. "Yeah, whatever, it's cool," she mumbled.

"You sure?" he asked, eyeing her suspiciously. Her plate was still mostly full, though her garlic bread was toast. 

"Yeah. Whatever. It's cool," she repeated. Jaspers Junior jumped up onto a chair and meowed. She ignored him.

"That usually translates to 'not cool at all, prepare to be stabbed in the face' in my books, Lalonde," Karkat ground out, "So I'd prefer to be clear about this."

"Stabbed?" Roxy looked up from the table. _Dude, what?!_ "When have you been threatened with being stabbed?"

"Never mind. I was just saying--"

"Were you mugged?"

"Fuck, just, never--"

"Are you in--" she lowered her voice to a whisper, "A gang?"

"No, of course not!"

"Then what?" She leaned her elbows on the table and crossed her arms. "I'm not gonna shut up about this, dude. I smell an good story."

"Fine. I have a very interesting family. That's all you're getting!" She looked like she was about to continue arguing, but he glared even harder and she shut up. _Dammit._

"Fine, whatever, man. But if we're fakedating for long enough, I'm gonna have to meet your family." She grinned. He paled. _Fuckin' right._ "And I'd rather know what sorts of stabfests your family has before I go and get stabbed myself."

"Jesus Rox, I wouldn't let you get--" Karkat bit off the rest of his sentence and concentrated on swallowing some water. It took a few tries for it to go down. "Anyway, it shouldn't be a problem. Probably. I mean, obviously I can't guarantee anything, Kanaya might go on a chainsaw murder spree--"

"Nah, Kan wouldn't do that. Not to me, anyway." Roxy propped her chin up on her fists, smiling. "She quite likes me."

"Wha--never mind, she's dating your sister. I forgot."

"You know Kanaya? How?"

"She's kind of my cousin?"

Roxy stared at him. Karkat smirked. _Asshole._ "And you failed to mention that because...?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, it didn't come up. I forgot about them dating, I swear--"

"They've been dating for most of a decade!"

"Okay, it sounds bad when you put it like that--"

"And they live together!"

"'Kay, I'm an ass, we've been over this."

"Yep." 

tipsyGnostalgic began pestering timaeusTestified at 23:13

TG: help i think i might b an asshole  
TT: Why hello there, Roxy. How are you doing this fine evening?  
TG: stfu nerd  
TG: hi how r u im shitty lets talk about this  
TG: am i being a dickmunch  
TT: What exactly is going on?  
TT: Unfortunately, Dr. Strider can't make a diagnosis without a full examination.  
TT: Don't want any fucking malpractice suits up in this bitch.  
TG: ugh fuck i dont wanna tell u the whole thing  
TG: its complicated ok  
TT: How enlightening.  
TG: f u  
TT: What the hell is happening, Rox?  
TT: I haven't heard from you a lot lately.  
TT: Is it true that you two are living together?  
TG: uh  
TT: It is, isn't it?  
TT: Are you feeling pressured at all?  
TG: dude what  
TG: what the hell  
TT: I just want to make sure you're alright with this.  
TG: wtf dork i literally just asked him 2 move in today  
TT: ...  
TT: Really?  
TG: yeh  
TT: Huh.   
TT: But hasn't he been staying at your place for a month?  
TT: That's what I heard, anyway.  
TG: where the hell r u hearing about all this from  
TT: ...  
TG: fuckin crocker cant keep her trap shut  
TT: Insults to our beloved Jane's honour aside, I'm actually worried about you.  
TG: rlly? y  
TT: I haven't been hearing from you a lot, nerd.  
TT: Neither has anyone else.  
TT: Except the aforementioned Crocker, of course.  
TT: Surprise.  
TG: ya well  
TG: ive just been spending time w vantas  
TG: like  
TG: a lot  
TG: which is totes normal 4 couples who r makin out + in love n stuff  
TT: ...  
TG: BUT WE R TOTES NOT IN LOVE N STUFF  
TT: ...  
TG: f u   
TG: gtg bye  
TT: Dude, you didn't tell me what you wanted advice about in the first place.  
TG: stfu

tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering timaeusTestified at 23:37

TT: What the actual fuck was that.  
TT: Like, that was a royal dog shit of a conversation.  
TT: Queen Mutt and King Poodle are sniffing this freshly dropped turd from the ass of the Emperor Chihuahua as we speak.  
TT: You are so totally ignoring me right now.  
TT: Whatever, get on with whatever the fuck you're doing to that poor boy, I'll just ask Jane about your mental state or some shit.  
TT: Night.

She switched her phone to silent and put it face down on the table by the bed. Karkat was already under the covers, long legs in stripey pajama pants entombed in plush blankets. He looked over at her, wire-rimmed reading glasses perched on his nose, small paperback in hand, eyebrow quirked. _Fucking cutie._ "You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just talked to Dirk for the first time in a while." The sheets rustled as she slid between them. She pressed her toes against his leg and sighed at the warmth and he jerked away, swearing under his breath.

"Holy fuck on a stick, did you leave those on an ice pack or something?" She grinned into his eyes. They almost matched the pearly grey of her duvet perfectly. "I wouldn't put it past you, to be honest, if I hadn't personally witnessed that you were sitting on your bed for the last half hour or so."

"How do you know I don't keep a cooler under the bed just to fuck with you?" Roxy struggled not to laugh as he narrowed his eyes suspiciously at her.

"I...don't think you'd do that," he declared at last, "But I'm not going to make a definite statement either way, just in case I underestimated your devious streak."

"You're a born politician."

"Fuck, no. Never that." Karkat shuddered, and turned away to bury himself in his book. She got up and opened a dresser drawer, pulling out a large t-shirt and panties and tossing them on top of everything on the dresser. Her shirt was unceremoniously tossed to the floor and her bra followed. Facing away from the bed, Roxy undid her jeans and stood on one leg alternately to yank them down. She kicked her socks off and grabbed the tent of a shirt off the dresser. She stuck her arms through the armholes and it fell over her head with little resistance. Roxy pulled on the blue panties and returned to the bed. Karkat, she was amused to see, was pointedly reading his book and facing away from where she'd been changing. _Nerd._ He glanced over and stared at the shirt.

"I don't think that's mine," he remarked after a second. "Ex-boyfriend?"

"I don't think so?" Roxy pulled the front of the shirt away from herself to examine the faded logo upside down. "Mm, no, it's Jake's old shirt."

"Jake's?"

"Yeah. He outgrew it a long time ago." 

He stared into space for a moment and frowned. "But...that shirt looks huge on you. And you're not, well, you're not _particularly_ petite...holy fuck, how big is that kid in real life?"

"Sweetie, you have no idea."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the wait! I wrote half a chapter and then realized that other stuff should come before it so then I wrote the first half of this chapter and hit a wall, so I started writing more of my college au stuff and then time passed and I wrote the other half of this bit in less than an hour? shit's wicked bananas yo


End file.
